My Angsty, Self-Discovery Blog

Finding things out about yourself is just as hard as solving a mystery or trying to set the clock on a VCR. When you do put things together I just have to post about them.
Yeah, I know. Most of my posts lately are self realizations. If you don't like it then don't read any further.
Betrayal is bitter. Just a short time ago I had never felt it and now that I have it's taken me almost two weeks to just figure out what I am feeling, let alone sort them all out into specific categories.
At first I was sure I could never trust, let alone look at this person again. No matter how much I felt sorry for this person I could not find a place inside of me where I would ever let them inside my soul. I was a completely new person after this, living on new levels and looking at everything with new perspective.
Betrayal is something strange. Part of the reason I couldn't work through my feelings is that this betrayal was so big that I couldn't see both ends of it at the same time and so I would work through my feelings one at a time but even after doing that I would look back at the whole ugly thing and not accept it.
So I gave up. I figured it would be years before I would feel the same about this person, if that.
Isn't it weird that music is truly for the emotionally gifted. Music is all good but then you have a crush on someone and all of these love songs make sense and touch you. And then you get your heart bruised and all the bitterness in those notes you can sympathize with. And when anything breaks your heart, truly breaks it, opens you up so wide there all the bitterness falls out, music is something that reaches inside of you and pulls you apart on the inside. Whether it's just sitting on the couch, in the hair cutting salon, or in the car, all the sudden I'm far away in music where all I have are these feelings and there is no escape. So I figured that I could only really sympathize with this kind of music, a feeling that felt so fulfilling to me, as long as these feelings were in my heart. After I had forgiven this person all this clarity would be gone. It didn't feel like bitterness holding on to these feelings, because I wasn't holding on. I just wasn't letting go. They weren't pulling so I wasn't giving.
But then I realized, I can forgive this person and still feel these feelings, where before I thought that if I had forgiven this person than I wouldn't be entitled to feel this way, it wouldn't be fair. And, in truth, I'll never feel the same way about that person, but also I realized that I can still feel this way and forgive because it's not temporary sadness and bitterness that brings me into focus. I am so irreversibly changed that these things are written in my soul. No matter how many years I go after forgiveness I can still feel these feelings because I am changed. I can always go back and be in that music and feel sadness in it's rawest form but not be bitter because I am better and clearer because of it.
Sorry, kind of a lot of raving today but I had to get that out of my system.
The end.