I've been thinking about writing this post for many days now and I just wasn't sure how to put what I wanted to portray into words. This is probably the biggest thing that keeps me from posting. I know what I feel and I don't want to botch it up putting it across. This post is inevitably long. I have a ton of things I've wanted to say for such a long time I have never said. I've conveniently split it into three parts for easy readability. I hope that some of this will help you.
As many of you know I recently started volunteering at a stable near my house. I don't hesitate in saying it has literally changed my life. For most of my life I thought the whole cowboy scene was pretty lame, maybe it's because it's what I grew up with, maybe not. At first I thought it would just be a lesson but when I was invited to 'hang out' sometime I found myself itching to go to the stable. I wasn't sure what 'hanging out' entailed, but I found that wasting away in front of the computer just didn't cut it for my life anymore. I had to move. I had to act. I had to get myself to that stable!
I gathered what was left of my bank account, went to CAL Ranch Store (a place I went to once as a vegan and was thoroughly appalled). I bought some boots (which I know list as one of my prized possessions) and went to the barn. At first I was apprehentious. As I mentioned before, I wasn't sure what my day would bring. I figured it would be a lot of crap work, which I have to admit, it was. But I also got to work with the horses. I got to groom them and help exercise them and feed them, and that wasn't the crap work! It was invigorating. I had to go back the next day! And the next day. I spent every day there when I had no prior engagement.
For most of my life I dreamed of the sea. I longed to live by the beach and learn to surf. I thought it would fulfill me and fill me with vitality and happiness. I'm not saying that I never will live by the beach because for all I know I will and I will love it. But after going to this , I just feel like I found myself. For the first time, I didn't need to dream about the beach or New York or being an actor. I didn't want to distract myself from what was happening right in front of me.
Which brings me to what I really want to talk about. Our whole lives we are told not to wish our lives away, to live right now, to stop dreaming and live. I always thought I was. I said that if I can just get over this crappy childhood, go on a mission, move to New York and become an actor, I can really live in the now! I know it sounds stupid, but isn't that what so many of us do? We wait for college or a career or a relationship. I know it can be hard to look at what our life is and decide that it is something magical, but that's what we have to do. The only way we can change our surroundings is by our perception of it. Our routine might not change, but we can chose to be enthralled by it. I heard a quote once that went something like "We look to the future, regret the past, and disregard our present." We wait for our dream body, regret bad eating habits, and turn our minds off while we are on the treadmill. We wait for our dream person, hate our exes, and overlook those that are right in front of us. There is so much to be spectacularly grateful for, we just have to open our lives and look for it.
End of thought one.
Beginning of thought two.
This was hard for me for a long time. I heard another quote that said "We can never be happy if we don't acknowledge the reality of our own feelings." I was a champion feelings unacknowledger. I was sad and I pretended I wasn't, I was happy and I thought it was fake, I was angry and I thought I had no right. Only when I allowed myself to admit that I was happy, that I had the right to be mad, that sometimes I just have to mourn the loss of something that would have been really great; did I really start to live. Strength is not the absence of emotion just as courage is not the absence of fear. One can not live without embracing the other.
Acknowledge the reality of your own feelings. This entails a lot but one of the biggest things it meant for me is that what you think is fun, might not be fun for someone else, and vice versa. I thought that every one liked reading so it seemed like waste of time. I thought everyone enjoyed music like I did so it felt like idle time. Find what you love and do it! As long as it doesn't hurt someone else, it's the best thing you can be doing right now! It means something totally different to you than it does for anyone else. It's best to be a first rate version of yourself, than a two bit version of someone else.
End of thought two.
Beginning of thought three.
Don't feel trapped into a future you feel destined for. I can not even express how trapped into a future I have felt. It's no ones fault but my own. No one ever told me I should be an actor. Quite the contrary some of my friends did nothing but try to explain what a irresponsible creature an actor is. I felt that I had no choice. I have talent for it. I like to do it. I wanted the fame. I wanted the satisfaction that comes with performing. I thought I had no choice. The truth is, I would be good at it. I would make money at it. I would be successful and happy and content. So why don't I do it? I don't really know. Perhaps it's because I had pigeon holed myself into it and this is twisted rebellion. Maybe it's because I had a (obvious) revelation that we can do many things and be happy. The measure of a life is not how many hear about it, appreciate it, or want to live it. It's how awesome it feels to live it, by yourself or surrounded by a million screaming fans. We don't HAVE to surf, we can horse ride. We don't HAVE to act, we can write. We aren't destined to be one thing or another. And above all else, we are allowed to change our mind mid-stride. I was ready to move to New York and hit up Broadway when I all but fell into a pile of hay. Part of me told myself not to go. I already had a destiny! I can't go changing now! What will people think? They will say I'm flighty, flaky, uncommitted. I will lose relationships that I have forged because of this aspect of myself. The truth isn't that people that don't like us if we change were never true friends. The truth is that we change. As we change, often everything about us changed. Our clothes and friends and sleeping patterns change and that's completely OK. Acknowledge the reality of your feelings. Allow yourself to change. Don't feel trapped. Do what you love. You can do anything you want and it really doesn't matter what it is. Count your blessings. Live now.
